Today is a snow day. I’m home with the kids who are kinda getting along for now (5 mins later, okay, I lied) and playing lego wars. My goals for the day are to get caught up on laundry, keep on top of the mess that the kids will inevitably make and if I have enough energy left I’ll try to maybe make something for dinner. Although this list seems modest for a normal mom who has an unexpected day off work but it’s an accomplishment for me because I am in recovery.
The thing about recovery is that it is indefinite. In many ways recovery is more difficult than being sick. When I was a sick person all I had to do was be sick. It was my full time job and I did it well. I perfected the art of doing nothing. I think back to when my mom was sick in her last months and I worried that she could spend hours just staring outside. But now I understand. When you are a sick person it’s difficult to read, TV was sensory overload, memory was in and out from medication. When the body is fighting to stay alive the mind must rest.
Now in recovery I feel ready to do more than my body will allow. I am frustrated by all the things that I can’t do. I haven’t been able to do them for over a year but now I bothered by the things that my body can’t do. In this way recovery is harder mentally than physically. I have to give my body time to heal but I’m also trying to establish myself back into the world of well people. I’m moving from Cancertown to Wellville and it’s not easy. Now that I’m part time sick person part time well person I have to balance between family, work, rehab and appointments at the hospital. I have two days a week at work and the other days are filled with doctor appointments, physical therapy, attempts at cooking and cleaning for the family and resting. I’m realizing all the things that I haven’t been able to do and it’s painful to think back on the events and activities that I’ve missed.
Recovery is also difficult because a significant portion of the time I still feel pretty fucking awful. It’s not unusual for me to fall into a deep sleep at 6:00 pm. Even now I’m fighting the urge to go back to bed and I’m verging on puking. After an illness like mine you are never again fully well. As we found out recently when I went to Urgent Care for a strep swab non-oncologist doctors are afraid of me. I’m too much of a liability. This particular doc called the squad and I earned my first ever ambulance ride to the hospital and a night’s stay under observation. My heart rate was high and blood pressure low and they were concerned but that’s really just a response to a virus. The good news is that Xander got to ride up front in the ambulance and the driver turned on the siren for him. Amira is jealous and asked if she could ride up front in the ambulance next time.