10 Rules of Illness
Feel free to adopt these as your own next time you are sick.
1. I try not to dose off in bed much after 12 noon but don’t expect me to actually get out of bed until 2:00
2. I will probably not be functional or coherent until after 2:00 in the afternoon.
3. My bedroom is the best room in the house. It is 10 degrees warmer, has a TV that fills one wall with access to anything I want to watch, the bed has a million blankets and pillows. Just ask my buddies who hang out in bed with me. B, Vic, Em, Gab, Rach, you know what I’m talking about. Wait, did you get to hang out in my bed, Rach? Tragic you came all this way.
4. I don’t always wear pants in bed. You might say that I rarely wear pants in bed. The hospital staff can attest to this. I am comfortable with you seeing my undies and you should be too.
5. If you are in my house to take care of me I will text you if I need something. It’s okay, I’m used to it. It’s Jeffrey best mode of communication.
6. If I say I should eat something that does not mean that I want to eat something or that I feel like eating something or that I have something in mind to eat. It just means that I cognitively recognize that I SHOULD eat and therefore you should bring me something palpable and I’ll try to choke it down.
7. In spite of my life-threatening illness I continue to be quite vain and superficial. Humor me. It’s something I can control that keeps me from worrying about all the terrible, horrible things that I can’t.
8. If I do manage to contribute to the household in some way like making dinner or sweeping the floor I will sit around for the next few days gloating about how awesome I am. Yes, I have become a man.
9. I like to walk myself instead of taking a wheelchair whenever I am able. I walk really slow. Walking ahead of me will not make me walk faster. Walking behind me will only make me slower.
10. I sometimes fall sleep while talking to friends. It happens in the middle of a sentence. I’ve probably talked to people while asleep. Sleep overtakes me and I have no choice. Don’t be offended if this happens to you. You have my permission to try to get me to say something stupid.