There is only today
I’m working on a list of things I want to accomplish before moving into my bubble for a month or so. It isn’t completely different than nesting when preparing for a baby. I’m assuming that I won’t be able to accomplish anything on my own for the next few months at least. I’m trying to take care of things that will need attention so that Jeff doesn’t have to deal with it like kid’s haircuts and cleaning out the fridge and pantry. I will assume that anything in the fridge and pantry will still be there when I get back including dated diary products and stale crackers. The kids are also going back to school from holiday break tomorrow so there are notebooks to sign and lunches to pack again.
I am recording some videos using Photo Booth of me reading to the kids. I am reading aloud The Magic Bedtime Storybook by Vivian French and Emily Bolam. It takes about 7-8 minutes to read a chapter and I should end up with 12 videos for the kids to watch in the evenings before bed. I’m not always available to do Facetime chats if I’m not well or asleep. And Jeff sometimes forgets to call me because it can be a pain in the ass to get the kids set up during their rushed evening schedule and it sometimes makes Amira more sad to see me and they have to deal with her crying but he can turn on the videos for them to watch. I’m hoping it will be comforting.
I’m cleaning up after Christmas and organizing some of our stuff a bit. The only decorating we did was a tree and ornaments and Jeff took care of putting that away but there are still boxes and bags and toys and gifts strewn about. Normally I would fold shirt boxes and bags still in good shape to store for the next season because it makes for less waste and then you don’t have to buy more. This time it is all going in recycling or trash. There is no next year. There is only today.
In the past I haven’t really understood how someone could live with a terminal illness. I mean, their life is already over, right? What is the point of gaining a few months or even years? My illness isn’t necessarily terminal since I have a chance for a cure but I have had to face my mortality with the two cancer diagnoses. The breast cancer turned out to be easily treatable but I was told from the beginning that the leukemia is a long journey but they hope for a cure at the end. Hope. It implies something for the future. I will gladly take a few more years. I kind of assume that I will get cancer of some type at some point again in the future. How could I not with all the chemo and radiation? It doesn’t even matter to me and I’m not scared. I will deal with that if it happens. It is too big of a “what if” for me to think about. I have too much reality to deal with now to think about the “what ifs”.
While I am hopeful I spend less and less time thinking about what will come. Today I am well and I am thankful for that. I don’t necessarily enjoy every single moment because I still feel irritated, sad, tired and painful at times but I have become more present and aware of each breath. Amira was crying this evening because I was talking about what would happen while I am in the hospital. She says she will miss me. I told her that I would miss her also but we still have 6 days together at home. We aren’t going to spend that time crying and being sad. We should be happy to be together today. Xander was sitting with us and offered an excellent quote from one of his books as consolation. I think this shows amazing insight for a 9 year old. I love this boy! The quote is from Eldest, the second book in the Inheritance Cycle by Christopher Paolini and the sequel to Eragon.
He said, “Live in the present, remember the past, and fear not the future, for it doesn’t exist and never shall. There is only now.”