I go in tomorrow morning for the surgery to exchange my tissue expanders for the permanent silicone implants. These are the same implants that some women choose to get for purely cosmetic purposes. After what I’ve been through I can’t imagine making that choice. This should be a relatively simple surgery and it is outpatient. Jeffrey has the list of the magic cocktail from the anesthesiologist that successfully kept me from puking at the last surgery but had the effect of knocking me out for hours. But if the choice is sleep or puke I think we’d all go for sleep. I remember the nurse had to come wake me up and put me in a chair in an attempt to get me out of the recovery room. I don’t remember anything on the way home. Apparently we stopped at Wendy’s for Jeffrey’s lunch. I asked him for a sprite but didn’t drink it. I think I talked on the phone to someone too.
The pain from the tissue expanders has prevented me from getting massive amounts of fill. My final breast size will be smaller than my natural breasts were but I think I’ll be okay with that. I trust the plastic surgeon to give me the best look possible. He’s just giving me normal breasts not stripper breasts. I took Amira to see the Nutcracker put on by Ballet Met and I was surprised to see a full page ad by my plastic surgeon in the program. Apparently he is the shit around town. I’m glad I found the best.
This surgery feels very different from the others. The first three were such a whirlwind and we barely had time to plan or question the outcome. We were on auto-pilot and just doing the next thing. The past several months though have been leading up to and prepping for this surgery. Its given me way too much time to think about it and I’m nervous. I want a good a outcome and a fast recovery but it’s too much pressure. I also feel like I’ve only begun to process emotionally all that has taken place in the past few months. I look okay and therefore everyone thinks I’m okay but am I? This surgery will bring me closer to feeling like I can move on and not think about the cancer all the time. It’s not over for me yet. I usually avoid thinking about it but it catches me at times when I’m alone. I’m hit with the reality and I’m paralyzed for a moment before I can move on. I get a lot of comments from people about how they don’t know how I do it or they wouldn’t be able to handle what I’ve been through but the fact is that I never had a choice. You do what you have to do. And I know that my case is an “easy cancer” so far. One of the breast cancer bloggers that I read wrote today about her treatment for metastatic breast cancer. She said, “The human capacity for putting up with what we thought we couldn’t knows no end.”
So, off I go for new boobies. I hope I can continue to conquer cancerland.