I’m trying to think back to the last time I’ve spent this much time sitting around doing nothing. It was a long time ago. I actually had a flash of guilt today that I hadn’t accomplished anything but I know logically that there is nothing I need to be doing. I didn’t take any narcotic pain meds today because I was tired of how they make me feel. I’ve been doing 800 mg ibuprofen and then I may take a percocet for bed. The pain has been okay but since I’m just doing nothing I tried skipping the narcotics so I could actually focus on reading a book instead of sleeping all day. It may be because of the change in meds but I’ve been noticing a different pain today. Of course, it showed up after my visit from the home nurse. It’s a tight, pressure, tingling type of pain in my left underarm. Which is interesting because that was not my cancer side and they did not touch the lymph nodes over there. I have been babying the right side more so maybe I over did it on the left. I woke up last night once with my arm raised higher than it should have been and the night before I pushed up off the recliner with my left hand without realizing it and had searing pain. Or, it could just be that I’m starting to get feeling back more quickly in this side compared to the side that had more work done.
The kids had another fabulous day with their grandparents and I hope that they (the grandparents) pace themselves since I know how exhausting these kids are. They are complete opposite personality types and it’s impossible to please both of them. Xander is ready for things to go back to normal. Poor kid likes his routines. Amira is ready for anything but is missing her “mommy time”. She is a wiggler and doesn’t sit still for a second and has a tendency to kick people randomly when you think she’s sitting still so we have been keeping her at a distance. I’m afraid I’m going to rupture sutures from a little knee or elbow to the chest. She is missing her “mommy time” and I’ve figured out a way for me to put a pillow on my chest and a pillow on my lap and then she can lay her head there without too much risk. I hope no one takes offense to this but dinner was supplied by Aunt Patty tonight and the pressure is on for the rest of the dinners. Xander said, “Whoever made this meal is the best cook in the whole world!”
I’ve been frustrated mostly by the things that I can’t do for myself and have to ask for help with. I really should have gotten a shorter haircut because I can’t comb my hair or put it up. Jeffrey gave me a frizzy 80’s style side ponytail the whole time I was in the hospital and I was horrified when I saw myself in the mirror right before the very hot resident plastic surgeons came into visit me. When did doctors get so young? They look like babies. I swear they had to have graduated at 16. It couldn’t possibly be that I’m getting older. Other limitations are the result of limited use of my arms. I can get myself a quick snack but we keep all the good snacks up high out of reach of children. I’ve also been using kid cups and bowls because I can’t reach the adult stuff. Frustrating. I wanted some salsa but the huge jar we put the homemade salsa in felt too heavy for me. I’ve also been having hot flashes for some reason. I’ve needed a fan frequently.
My friend Victoria came to visit me today and wrote me the best note that I just have to share. If you are offended by language stop reading but this is just the most awesome note ever.
This morning I was thinking about that saying “when life gives you lemons…” and I thought, “fuck lemons the world has given Lauren a giant pile of shit”
And in true Lauren fashion I know you’ll continue to compost that shit and grow a beautiful garden.
I love it! And while it’s true that I’m still dealing with a load of shit right now I’m working on composting it. Someday maybe it will be more that just that.